Response vs. Reaction

Let’s talk about something subtle but massive in impact: the difference between being reactive and being responsive.

This is a framework I use often in my own head—and it shows up in parenting, relationships, leadership, and life.

Here’s how I break it down:

A reaction is immediate.

Something happens, and boom—you act automatically. No space. No thought. No filter. That’s the reflex. It’s instinct. Sometimes it’s necessary (like grabbing your kid out of the street). But other times? That knee-jerk moment creates more problems than it solves.

A response has intention.

It means something happens, and instead of going straight to action, you pause. You feel what’s coming up. You think. You ask, “What’s actually appropriate here?” Then you act.

That pause is everything. It’s the difference between teaching your kid a lesson or just making them afraid of your response. It’s the difference between an opportunity for learning or a moment of regret for.

A Quick Example:

Let’s say your kid spills a cup of water in their bed.

If you react, you might yell. You’re annoyed. It’s bedtime. You’re tired. And now there’s a mess.

But if you respond, it sounds different. First there is a pause and a breath then:

"Ah, bummer. Okay, let's fix this. Grab a towel, we’ll clean it up together.”

Once emotions settle we can have the conversation.

“What did we learn? Maybe don’t keep a full cup on a wobbly mattress."

You see the difference? Same situation. One outcome builds trust and teaches responsibility. The other just adds tension.

Why This Matters

When you learn to create space between stimulus and response, you become more in control of your emotions. You model calm leadership. You raise kids who see what accountability looks like—and that’s the goal, right?

It’s not always easy. Sometimes I’ll literally bet myself with real money as an incentive to pause. Other times I’ll take a breath or count to three. Whatever trick you need to create that space, use it.

And when you mess it up (because you will), own it:

"Hey, I reacted. I’m sorry. I’m working on that, and next time I’ll try to respond better."

That kind of honesty goes a long way.

This is the work of intentional fatherhood:
Pause. Reflect. Respond. Repeat.

– Pat
The Fathers Guild
“Harder to kill. Easier to love.”